Monday, July 21, 2008
This that and not much of the other
Since the bloggaversary is long over, best I post something else, eh?
I’ve been trying to work out what it is, beyond blogger burnout, that’s keeping me from blogging. And then it struck me. It’s because I have very little positive or uplifting to say. And mostly that’s because I’m simply in a state of veering from one state of anxiety to another. I fret about the state of South Africa and the increasing rumblings that are being generated, the increasing racism towards ethnic minorities, the increasing and brooding discontent and resentment. Violence is simmering and I worry where the country is headed - it doesn’t look like a good place. Then I stress over our own impending move from South Africa. Is it the right decision, have we chosen the right country to go to, will we settle in, find work, a house etc.? It's a huge decision and by no means an easy or unemotional one. Then I get concerned about my mum and leaving her behind and what will happen to her. By now she should really be living in a secure retirement complex but she refuses to budge from her home and attempts from several quarters to convince her as to the prudence of such a move are met with vehement vitriol. For now, lest I get several further clips across the ear, I've just let things be. I know when I'm encountering the immovable object! Then I worry about my mum’s sister who’s suddenly found that she hasn’t provided sufficiently for her old age and is going to have to sell her home in order to survive - and I wonder what I can do to help. Daily I fret about the exchange rate as I watch the rand lurch and wobble against sterling, I despair at rising food and fuel prices which do nothing to aid the brooding resentment of the masses. Then I wonder about my decision to write for young adults – I’m sure if I’d known what a wobbly and difficult road it was, I’d never have started, but now, having begun, and despite the increasing difficulty of getting published, I feel I should still keep trying. And so it goes. And face it; you hardly want to read about all that doom and gloom. And so I find, with little positive or bright to say, it’s best just to steer clear of the blogosphere.
I suppose of course, I could just follow my own good advice about living in the now, being mindful, living only in the moment and letting tomorrow take care of itself. But that, I'm finding, is considerably easier said than done. And, of course, I pound myself about that too! Ah woe, I'm sure many a good Buddhist or Taoist monk must be shaking a collective head at me!
Of course, it’s not all doom and gloom and I’m kept busy enough with ten thousand admin related things, though I do confess the progress on various edits is going far too slowly and there’s far too much procrastination involved. But I’ve been out with the camera and there’re are plenty of new photos on Flickr, but where once the beauty of South Africa buoyed me up, now I just find it saddens me, leaves me muttering, “nice place, shame about the people” (and that’s all of us, not any particular group).
I suppose, I could tell you about my interaction with a young male baboon who decided to try and intimidate me by pouncing at me and uttering a self important bark. And who, when I didn’t respond, tried the same again. At which point I just shook my head at him and advised him to stop being a silly twit. Then he, looking rather shamefaced and embarrassed, went off and hid behind one of his aunts. Silly twit indeed.
Or I could tell you about the game I’m playing with the guinea fowl – having put a large mirror in the window. They love to admire themselves, it seems, and will spend hours pecking the glass, until a second guinea fowl comes along and the first sidles off as if to say, “Who? Me? Admiring myself? Oh pul-lease.” Yet the minute Guinea #2 wanders off, Guinea #1 is right back there fluttering her eyelashes at her reflection and kissing the glass for all she’s worth. Ah vanity.
So there you go, me peeking back at you, giving you a brief wave and saying, yep, I’m still here and yep, I miss you too :-) And oh, it snowed – see pics on Flickr.